self, look at the bigger picture

I said to myself, self, look at the bigger picture....

When you put together a project, you look at the end goal before attempting the steps.
When planning a trip, you chose a destination before planning hotels.
When you decide to do a puzzle, you chose the picture you want to end up with before looking at the pieces.

I think I've been starting with the steps, booking hotels in every city, and looking at the pieces too closely. The pieces of my life. I see where they fit together so nicely. The piece that interlocks with my best friend, the pieces that fit with my family... the pieces that tie my music to my dance moves, and my movies to the endless quotes I have to offer any situation.

But I also see where the pieces don't fit together. Where my hand doesn't have another to hold. Where my evenings don't have an arm to snuggle under. Where my friends have things to do, and I wish I could tag along but at the same time- I don't want to be the tag along. Where I'm just unhappy at times, and can't find any reason for it. Where my mind turns grey when I'm in the sunshine.Where my friends have 'real' problems, and I don't want to bother them with my little one.

I've been looking at the pieces for too long. I think I've lost a hold on the big picture. Today I was listening to music and working on my feet and had the opportunity to just break out in random dancing every now and then. That made me smile. I had a little sit down chat with some friends. They made me smile. These might seem like little things, but they are the big picture at the moment. I have friends, I have family, I have things to do, I have a bed to sleep in, I have people to talk to and hang out with every night. Looking at the big picture I can see all these things that on their own might seem insignificant, but together make up my life. And I have to admit that life is good. I have no real reason to complain.

Then, why do I feel so blah?  ........  change of season, change of schedule, change of heart?
I don't know.

So, I said to myself, "Self, look at the bigger picture, and maybe that will help you see where the pieces fit. And until then, keep your head up, and keep smiling."

self, what wrong?

I said to myself.... self, what's wrong?

I spent most of the day today being very antisocial. I didn't feel like talking to people at all. Or at least most people. It wasn't a terrible day... the sun was shining and the grass was green and the weather was rather warm. But I wasn't in a very good mood. So, I avoided people, and kept to myself.

Then this afternoon, I was able to sit and watch/listen to the rain and thunder.... that made me so happy. I was listening to some soothing music and the storm and smiling from ear to ear....

Then when I went to find people to talk to, some one said "lighten up" or "you are kinda crabby" and that short little phrase sent me plunging back into the proverbial puddle that I'd been in all day. Why do short little words like that have such an effect on me? ugh, its just so frustrating...

So, I said to myself, "Self, what's wrong?" And I couldn't answer. There wasn't anything that happened today that triggered my bad mood. Little things along the way set me off, but I couldn't find the trigger.... The worst part about being upset or angry or whatever is not knowing the source. Not knowing why. Because illogical emotions, especially the angry ones, tend to make me more angry because I know there's no good reason for them.

So, now as I'm not tired, and not going to bed, I'm telling myself, "Self, don't take it out on the innocent" I was with some of my friends tonight, and it seemed like all that ran through my head was little put downs, and nit picky fight starters.... I tried to keep them all in, and that made me quiet... which spurred another round of "don't be a crab." But through all that, the important thing to remember is that just because I'm bothered or put-out for a little while, doesn't mean I can take it out on my friends. Especially because they are the ones who stick it out through the bad days and pissy moods. They didn't do anything, or at least not on purpose. Leave them out of it, and work through your emotions with out bringing them down too....

This doesn't mean shut them out. That I learned again today. One of my friends sent  me a text that was just what I needed. I don't even think she knows she did it. But she has a knack of knowing when I need a little boost.

So, I said to myself, "self, tomorrow will be better. keep your head up, and walk on" [or sleep on]